Taking a Nick Saban

Recently I walked in on someone taking a dump, or as my pops and I like to call it, a "Nick Saban." To make a long story short, we're Auburn fans, and Saban is the utterly unlikeable coach of the Crimson Tired...I mean, Tide. As long as I can remember, my father has referred to the act of defecation as "taking a _________(insert current Bama head football coach)."


On our recent New York trip, inside the Empire State Building's crowded gift shop, pops asked where his grandson was. My son, not to miss an opportunity, piped up: "I think he's taking a Nick Saban!"

Yes, I was damn proud.

Over/Under

Aside from Chuck Norris, Ryan Braun, and other immortals, who use cheese grater tissue to clean the dirt, the rest of us wipe with toilet paper.

Oprah Winfrey, several years ago, was asked on her show if she liked her toilet paper to come "over" or "under," to which she replied, "I'm an under girl, myself."

I am most certainly an "over" person. It seems to me to be easier to find the end of the roll when it's coming from the top. Every roll in my house is "over." You've known people who must have all paper money facing the same direction in their wallets. Maybe you are one of those people. But the real question is, "Are you an 'over' or an 'under' person?"

Please vote at right, after you wipe your hind end.

Being "On"

'Tis the season for going to parties you don't want to! Happy Holidays!

To quote Georgie Boy Costanza, I don't like being "on." I'd much rather be off. Being "on" means putting on that social mask, plastering a smile on your face, and hanging out with people you really don't know, and don't really care to. When you're "on" you have to go through the tedious and frivolous conversations about what people do for a living, what the weather's going to be like tomorrow, and how "bad" the world has gotten.

Please rescue me!

Like George, I'd much rather be "off," sitting in a comfy leather chair, draped in velvet, block of cheese in hand, watching a Yankees game. Now that's living!

Independent George: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Hp1tohmTx40

Are these CD's in your collection?

If not, then you probably don't have kids under the age of 15. I have two kids, 12 and 8, and both of them watch most anything on Disney Channel. They especially enjoy Hannah Montana and Suite Life of Zach and Cody. Well, their love of those Disney shows has spilled over into Disney music. Clever marketing on Disney's part, huh?

While I'm not personally into pop, many of these songs aren't too bad...or maybe I like them because my kids like them. Anyway, they got mp3 players for Christmas, and they have these songs locked and loaded for hours of listening pleasure. Does that mean I don't have to listen to Radio Disney on my XM Radio for long stretches on trips? Yay!...well, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself there.

As a tribute to my kids, here's a Jonas Brothers' video of a song that's pretty cool..."Year 3000": http://youtube.com/watch?v=YatfvRR0naY. Enjoy, music lovers.

Are my kids the only ones...

...who didn't get a wii? My girlfriend, sister, and another friend all got their kids wiis...but not me. I did get to play it though. My girlfriend Karen kicked me around pretty good in bowling and baseball, but I did attain a measure of revenge by knocking her out in the boxing match. Yesterday, Christmas day, I played some more at my sister's house, losing at both tennis and bowling.

Then today, my 12 year old son has been kicking my butt in Guitar Hero on the PS2.

But at least with the PS2 I can sit in a chair. I am very sore from the wii. I guess I should stick to my exercise bike for exercise.

Long Lost Brother?

Warning...just ahead lies a bold statement...

George Costanza is the best sitcom character in the history of television. There, I said it. For me, he made "Seinfeld." Yes, Jerry, Kramer, and Elaine were funny, and the other characters who made brief appearances. But I always identified with George (and no, not just because of similar hairstyles...). There are many reasons, in addition to the hairstyle, that George is a hero of mine, from his enjoyment of leisure time to his quirky humor. I love "Independent George" for many reasons. What are some of your favorite George moments? Some of mine are:

• "Independent George"--"A George divided against itself...cannot stand!"


• "The Opposite"--where George resolves to do the exact opposite of his instincts, and it works better for him! He even tells off George Steinbrenner, who immediately states, "Hire this man!"


• "I don't want to be 'on', Jerry, I would much rather be 'off'."


• "The toupee"--George tries wearing a toupee and becomes cocky with his new hair; ironically he is set up on a blind date with a bald woman...


• "Why must there always be a problem?"


• "The Frogger"--the rogue electrician doesn't understand the term "outlet," so George has to refer to it as "the holes."--http://youtube.com/watch?v=nLgckRf9H78&feature=related


• George's answering machine message, when he's screening calls at home: http://youtube.com/watch?v=nhhzwjt2AG0

Looking Up Skirts

On a recent trip to the Big Apple, I saw some attractive ladies (though none more attractive than my girlfriend!). They were bundled up for the cold, so I saw little more than their faces. Lady Liberty, on the other hand, revealed a bit more skin. I've always thought Lady Liberty was beautiful...but I never thought I'd have occasion to peek up her skirt. It was a windy day too. Very nice.